Apparently I am too stupid for this game, as I was thoroughly and beyond-all-comprehension slaughtered by the very first opponent in the tutorial.
(Of the sort where I've taken 52 damage and he's taken about 5. That sort of slaughtered.)
Since tutorials are supposed to be easy and work you in gently, I can only conclude that I'm totally stupid and that I will never be able to play this game, ever.
I am not a bejeweled expert. I can play - I can look at the board and eventually figure out what can be swapped to make 3-in-a-row. Planning ahead for chain reactions is something I have trouble with, and am always pleasantly surprised when one actually goes off in that sort of game. "I did that? Wow."
So playing a game where I meekly swap to collect 3 and the computer opponent immediately picks up four-in-a-row, extra turn, chain-reaction-with-skulls... Did the developers fail to consider that some people aren't good at this? Should they have perhaps included some helpful hints beyond 'match 3'? Or am I just too stupid to live?